On the Razor™’s Edge

  • April 1, 2023

By Josie Springer

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The following is a recovered log from January 19th, 2023: Senior Scooter Day. 

ZERO PERIOD: Seniors scooter across campus from the parking lots to their first classes. It’s January, and college applications are over: all that’s left is to wait for decisions. But that’s months away — for now, they can just enjoy the sweet relief of being second semester seniors. And that includes Senior Scooter Day, the tradition they’ve been waiting for since they were freshmen, watching past seniors zip past. Now, it’s their turn. 

FIRST PERIOD: Seniors are puzzled at reports of odd requests from the administration. Some students recount being asked to not ride scooters on campus, but others dismiss those claims. After all, what’s the point of Senior Scooter Day if you can’t ride the scooters on campus? Are you expected to carry the scooters around all day? They shrug, mount their scooters, and take off to their next class. 

SECOND PERIOD: By now, it’s clear: the administration demands no riding on school grounds. The first rumblings of revolution can be heard in English 4 classrooms, as seniors protest these inane restrictions. One student shares a distressing encounter with the principal: “I watched Mr. Cartnal tackle a student off his scooter… then he stood, snarled ‘No riding on campus!’, snapped the scooter in two, and stalked off, swinging a scooter half in each hand.” 

THIRD PERIOD: Seniors are defiantly resisting the regime’s demands. They take to the halls, riding scooters in the face of oppression. Some are chased by golf carts, while others are captured and detained in the front office. But the class continues to wage their revolt, and soon the administration calls in reinforcements.

FOURTH PERIOD: Armored SWAT vehicles pull into the school parking lot — finding no open spaces, they resort to parking in Hahamongna, where the tactical teams have to trek a quarter mile in full body armor before reaching the school. Mr. Cartnal marks them late, then stations them throughout the halls, where they are ordered to use all necessary force to curb the insurrection.

LUNCH: An announcement comes over the P.A. system: “You can scooter, but you can’t hide. Surrender your scooters at once”. The surviving scooterers band into militias, internally ranked by the class of their steeds: those with light-up wheels and handle brakes lead the revolts against the enforcers, swinging their scooters in circles in the hopes of catching an ankle. Clashes between SWAT and the scooterers grow increasingly violent — dismembered wheels and handles can be seen lying on the ground amid pieces of abandoned body armor. 

FIFTH PERIOD: Underclassmen cower in upstairs classrooms, afraid to brave the stairwells which have become the sites of so many casualties, so many bloodied and bruised ankles. It seems quiet outside, but gangs of seniors roam the halls, waiting for an unwitting freshman to stumble into their path. They’ve defeated the SWAT teams and now, they’re hungry for new prey. When none arrives, the seniors begin to turn on one another. This time, no one is spared. 

SIXTH PERIOD: The campus of La Canada High is deserted. Razor™ scooters lie abandoned on the ground. Ambulances wail in the distance. A solitary scooter wheel rolls out from the carnage, making lazy circles before finally succumbing to gravity. All is silent.

*Published as part of The Spartan’s April Fools satire edition 😉

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