Leaked Transcript of Mr. V’s Skincare Routine

  • April 1, 2023

By Lauren Lee

[Editor’s Note: We apologize for the quality of the thumbnail. Don’t hate me, Mr. V.]

Today is THAT day of the year– The Spartan was able to access Mr. V’s latest skincare video to share with his fans. Please show lots of love by shouting, “We stan!” when you pass Mr. V in the hallways.

[gentle music]

Students, it is Mr. V in the house. [tilts head respectively at camera]

For those who do not know me,

I am Mr. Valassidis. 

Now, I am going to explain my daily skin care routine.

First, I apply lotion. [waves an inconspicuous bottle]

Please note that I cannot tell you what brand

I am using, because a) I am not sponsored, 

b) this pretentious magazine is also not sponsored, 

and c) I do not want to tell you. Why I should inform you, stranger, 

what lotion I am using, is beyond me. 

Enrich your minds with Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, not an inane video on the Youtube. 

“How does the use of social media assist in the lack of common sense 

[applies a green tea face mask] 

in rising generations of modern society? Explain its harms or merits.” 

That, or “Social media is rotting your brains. How will this worsen pop culture?” 

Ah, these are good prompts, no? You are nodding your head, I am sure. 

If you wonder why I am subjecting myself to this, 

my answer is this: 

my daily motto is “look fab, feel fab”. 

[tears off mask] 

Many a student have asked why my head gleams so. 

I gravely intoned, “The Greek oil running through my veins.” 

Now. [claps hands] 

Skin done. Glowing, fabulous. 

Exfoliation. Exfoliation. Exfoliation. 

Nothing makes me feel better than good skincare, 

except, The Onion’s latest hit,

since satire is the sincerest form of flattery,

or a very rare 6-scoring essay. 

The only vexation I have about the latter is

whether that student warrants this much validation. 

[dabs on sunscreen] 

Did you know, that I concoct 

intellectually-stimulating scenarios

– nothing but delightful, in my opinion –

for the sole purpose of giving students 

sleepless nights, in my sleep? 

Quite an efficient use of time, I believe. 

Indeed, I am a master of time management, unlike some

students I have had the… 


…luck to teach in the past.

[whisks out two facial steamers]

Like Plato once said, “Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness;…”

[sprays body mist in an unhinged manner]

“…but direct them to it by what 

amuses their mind.” 

I do that, yes, but with a sadistic twist. 

[chuckles grimly]

Thank you for watching everyone, and you’re welcome. 

Inspired by Niall Horan’s Beauty Routine Vogue Video

*Published as part of The Spartan’s April Fools satire edition 😉

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