By Samuel Hudson
LCHS students and parents alike were shocked on Monday, March 13th, when they received an emergency notification from the school administration. School was closed due to a chemical leak, and not much information beyond that was given. The reason for such was likely because the administration wanted to prevent panic amongst parents as much as possible. At least, that’s what it first seemed like…
When students came back to campus on Tuesday after the clean up was complete, no one noticed the change that slowly spread throughout the student body.
One student, Adam Kakuk explains, “It wasn’t really on Tuesday, but by Wednesday or Thursday, I began to look at my buddy, Kevin Fang, in a different way. We’ve been friends forever, literally since the second grade, and that’s all it was! We’re good friends. But then I began to notice… how pretty his eyes are… how funny he is…”
In addition, many concerned individuals report an uncontrollable urge to go thrifting because, reportedly, “My clothes and sense of style are awful! How did I never realize this before?!” Several students explained that their bank accounts are nearly drained, and yet still their reduced sense of self esteem prevents them from making more responsible financial decisions.
Meanwhile, female students are reporting increased purchases of sports jerseys and heightened interest in joining the water polo team. “I just want the physical activity! I’ve got loads of energy to burn off!” one student exclaimed. However, that student was later seen swooning after Shereen Emadi not even two minutes later.
In addition, the number of female students engaged in long-distance relationships has also increased rapidly. “Please don’t do this,” stated seasoned relationship expert, Mr. Romero, who does in fact have a wife, even if we’ve never seen her in person. “You will get your heart broken, and it will NOT be easy to get over. If you are going to find a new love interest, I recommend finding someone within a 30 mile radius.” Despite this, many students are now glued to their phones during class, anxiously waiting for a DM from their “special friend” who resides in Arizona.
It’s irrefutable. LCHS has a new problem. Clearly, the chemical leak has caused students to turn gay.
Previously the campus was built to sustain about 5-10 gay students per grade level, but now that number has skyrocketed. In addition, male students are reporting less confidence in driving ability — as everyone knows that gays can’t drive. Proof of this lies in Colin Anderson, who has crashed his car not once but twice in the short time he has had his license. As one concerned student explained, “Especially since with the school safe driving assembly having recently just passed, this poses a great safety concern to the student population at large. One gay driver might not be that bad, but ten? Twenty?! The senior lot will be untraversable, let alone the cage.”
Many students fear the complete collapse of the heterosexual ecosystem. AP Environmental Science teacher, Ms. Parker, teaches her students about the potential dangers of an ecosystem collapsing, thus it isn’t that far of a leap to assume that that same knowledge can be applied to our own school culture.
“Um, no. That isn’t how environmental collapse works, gay people aren’t, like, an invasive species,” she explained.
Nevertheless, some students are becoming increasingly worried about the draining of the dating pool.
“Before, I could have assumed that I had a chance with any guy that I liked,” said one female student. “Now that more and more of them like each other, I can’t tell!”
In an even more surprising twist, some of the previously gay students have switched teams as well! One student in particular, Ari Tujian, had accidentally been over exposed to the chemical leak that morning. Previously known for his choir prowess and singing voice, Ari has recently given up choir in favor of the football team.
“I just don’t know about choir any more,” he explained, in a much deeper voice than usual. “I joined football because I figured that girls probably liked that more.”
We asked Ari if he was doing the deep voice on purpose. He responded in a much squeakier voice that he didn’t know we were talking about. “This-this is my usual voice!!”
However, some students welcome the rise of gay people on campus. “We need less heterosexuals,” said Erica Jwa, seasoned heartbreak and being emotionally manipulated expert. When asked for additional comment, she refused further correspondence.
Although the changes to the composition of the student body are proving to be sudden and unexpected, teachers are divided on how to react.
Mr. Geckle explained that, “I don’t care who my students are attracted to, as long as it’s not me. I’ll support them in every way that a chemistry teacher should, which is by placing the two students with a crush on each other on opposite sides of the room so that they can never talk to each other.”
Meanwhile, English teacher Mr. Valassidis took a different approach. “I wouldn’t be unsupportive if a student came up to me and mentioned their boyfriend or other. But, in the spirit of intellectual debate, I would force them to answer a series of ethical and philosophical questions about the current state of their sexuality. Such as:
- How can you know that you’re gay if you’ve never been attractive enough to pull a girlfriend before?
- Is it ethical to be gay when the birth rate in the United States is falling?
- How can you really know if you’re gay? Mr. Torres and I have a very close friendship, but we’re both very straight. Prove to me, right now, in a 40 minute essay why you are gay.”
Whatever happens next with the student body, it is bound to be much more slay.
*Published as part of The Spartan’s April Fools satire edition 😉