Biden Declares April “Green Month”: Sales Abound!

  • April 1, 2023

By Elyse Hwang

[Biden discussing Green Month with corporate executives from ExxonMobil / Image credit of Wikimedia Commons]

After much pressure from environmental activists, President Biden has finally responded with bold action against climate change by declaring all of April to be “Green Month”. 

“Throughout the month of April, I hope all of my fellow citizens will keep in mind our nation’s commitment to keeping the air fresh and the water clean. It’s as easy as turning off the faucet while brushing your teeth!” the President exclaimed in a press conference. 

This elicited grimaces from the climate activists standing behind him.

Nevertheless, it was all smiles again once Vice President Harris came out with a large sign with the words “We Green It, Joe!” for a quick picture.

Although Biden announced his new commitment to sustainability just a day ago, the corporate forces have quickly latched onto the joyful news.

Shein, H&M, and Forever 21 all launched new clothing lines in honor of Green Month, sporting phrases such as “Cool Girls Protest Hot Weather”, “Live, Laugh, Love Earth”, “In April we wear green”, and “#climatechange”, with the promise of free one-day shipping.  Even better, H&M declared all shirts in its Green Collection would be on sale for just $8.

Meanwhile, Nestle and Coca-Cola both announced new limited-edition sustainable beverages in cardboard cartons. Be sure to buy them once they hit the shelves – the companies promised these special containers would be gone by April 30.

Countless businesses have temporarily changed their logos to reflect their support for the environment.  Shedding their classic red for a spritely green, ExxonMobil posted a statement to their social media platforms declaring a renewed commitment to sustainability.  “We will do our best to protect the sacred land we all call home,” ExxonMobil’s CEO, Darren Woods, stated in a press release.

When asked about his company’s commitment to the oceans, Woods declined to comment. 

Chevron also tweeted in celebration, reminding its customers that “Natural gas is the most environmentally friendly fossil fuel!  We’re so excited to start our next fracking project in Texas – look out for updates about our expansion. #greengasforgreenmonth”.

With Green Month just getting underway, we’re excited to see what new deals and cool collectibles will be released and which companies will renew their promises to reduce, reuse, and recycle.

*Published as part of The Spartan’s April Fools satire edition 😉

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